-“OMG, do you know what just happened to me?”
-“Yeah.”
-“What? How could you possibly know? I haven’t even told you yet.”
-“Then why did you ask?”
-“Oh my God, it was a rhetorical questionnnn. Anyway, do you want to hear or not“
-“Of course. Go on.”
-“So…”

As Josie talked, I made my way up the hill to my apartment. I spotted the neighbour’s cat gagging its way through a slow worm and couldn’t help grinning

-“Crazy, right?” Josie’s voice pulled me back
-“Mmmmhm! Totally! And then what happened?”

God, this was hard work. I really needed to start exercising again. This hill already had me sweating. I used to be so fit. These days, my fitness left a lot to be desired. Maybe I should start cycling to work more often?

-“…and then suddenly he was standing right behind me.”

I was panting now.

-“Super crazy, right?”
-“Totally!”
-“Exactly! Because Jessica didn’t get it at all. Can you imagine? But you agree with me, right? Or do you think I’m overreacting?”
-“Absolutely not!” I huffed — and now there were stairs.
-“Such an asshole,” she wailed.
-“Idiots!” I said.
-“Why plural? I’m only talking about one guy.” She sounded confused.

Three more steps and I’d made it.

-“Yeah, um… men. All of them.”

She burst out laughing. “God, it feels so good talking to you!”

I reached the top and let out a long, deeply satisfied sigh of relief.

-“I feel really connected to you right now. But that’s not even all of it. Do you know what he did next?”
-“No, tell me!”

I stuck the key in the lock and opened the door. A wall of stale air hit me, so I flung open the windows.

-“Hello? Are you even listening to me?”
-“Yeah, yeah, of course!” I said, filling a glass with water for my plants. Then I had some myself.

“And then we kissed.”

I choked on the water.

-“You did whaaaaat?”
-“Well, you can put two and two together, can’t you? I mean, after everything I’ve told you so far… I honestly don’t understand why you’re so surprised.“
-“Uh, yeah, of course,” I coughed. “Makes sense. It’s just. Crazy. Great. And how do you feel now?“
-“Oh, glad you asked. I don’t know…I mean, you know…”

I dropped onto the sofa and picked up the nail file from the coffee table. I put her on speaker and turned my attention to my nails.

-“And what would you do if you were me?”

I froze. Shit.

-“Honestly?”
-“Yeah.”

I studied my thumbnail. Still a little uneven on the left.

-“I think you just need to listen to yourself.”

Silence.

-“Wow,” Josie said. “Yeah. That’s exactly what I needed to hear.”
-“Always, amiga.”

I smiled and went back to filing.

Call-centre conversations. We have them all the time, just without the hold music. Of course, now you’re thinking: Me? No, not me. My conversations are deep and personal, born fresh in the moment.

Know what else gets born? Patterns.

And we run them on autopilot. We hear a keyword, pick a category, and play the corresponding response. Stress? Get more sleep. Feeling lost? Meditate. Relationship crisis? Exercise. Existential dread? Sleep, meditation and exercise. And definitely get your B12 levels checked.

Everyone has their own department. My mother, for example, runs Sleep. Josie is in charge of Exercise.

-Person A: “I’m so stressed at work.”
-My mother: “Darling, you need to get more sleep.
-Person B: “Lately I’ve been feeling kind of lost and I have no idea what I’m doing with my life.
-My mother: “Darling, you need to get more sleep.“

Who would have thought — she happens to love sleeping herself. Naturally, whenever a scientific study comes out about the benefits of sleep, she’s all ears, and she drinks coffee with great enthusiasm to compensate for all that sleeping.
Of course.

-Person A: “I’m tired all the time and I have no energy. I just want to stay in bed all day.„
-My friend Josie: “Honestly, from the bottom of my heart, I think you should exercise. It makes you fitter, gives you energy, floods you with endorphins, helps you think more clearly, and on top of that, you feel ten times better about your body.”
-Person B: “Paul and I have been fighting a lot lately. I don’t know what’s going on. Maybe he’s cheating on me? Maybe I don’t love him anymore?“
-My friend Josie: “Honestly, from the bottom of my heart, I think you should…”

You know.

And so on and so forth. Autopilot on an endless loop. It does make you wonder whether, somewhere between sleep, exercise and vitamin B12, there’s still an actual person available to take your call.

The next morning, I texted Josie:

“Hey, I feel really off today.”

Her reply came straight away.

“Oh no, amiga. You really need to listen to yourself more ❤️”

So I did.

And cycled to work.